Archive for the ‘love’ Category



Cassandra is a smart, spunky woman who knows who she is, what she wants, and what she will and will not put up with. In other words, she doesn’t play any games. I have been wanting to talk with Cassandra for a long time, so we made it happen over drinks at Local Edition. She and I chat about dating in San Francisco as a Black woman, the need for good communication, and why she will never lower her standards.

1. What is it like dating as a Black woman in San Francisco?

It takes a lot of energy for little result. For some reason, online dating- Tinder, Match, all of those things- men talk to you differently than they would talk to a white girl. For some reason they have bought into the sexualization of Black women. Two or three messages back and forth with a guy and he is asking me how big my butt is, how big my breasts are, and to show more pictures.

Are you serious?

I’m like, “Does this work for you? Are you doing this because I am Black?” It is always about my body, the stereotypes…..

2.  How do you normally meet men?

Online, but I wish I could meet them organically. The problem is people don’t look and talk to each other.  We are so disconnected from everything. Social media reinforces our little worlds, so why should we look at one another?  We have the friends we want, the news stations that deliver the kind of news we want.  So when people are not looking at each other, we miss out. It’s as if we don’t know how to connect.

3. How do you feel when men hit on you when you are out and about? Do you find it invasive?

Well it is the way it’s being done. Today, on my way to work a taxi cab driver slowed down around me and asked me to come over. I thought he was lost and maybe he needed directions, so I go over and he says, “You are so beautiful, can I take you out sometime.” I thought it was creepy. A: I don’t know you and B: you drive up on me and it’s 8:30 in the morning….

Damn, men cannot win…… (laughs)

I know.  Women are so on the defense now that everything y’all do is creepy which isn’t fair, because we could miss out on our blessings. But as a woman, we err on the side of caution.

4. When was the last date you were on?

Good date or just date? (laughs)

Just a date.

About 10 days ago with a guy I met at a speed dating event.  We met for coffee and had a good time. He is just like me, very engaging and lots of energy. Hopefully we will see each other again.

5. What are your top three must haves/deal breakers with a man ?

Integrity, passion – not just for me but for what he wants in life, and a good communicator.  The deal breakers are when I am sexualized very early. If we are two to three messages in, I don’t want a dick pic.

I will never understand the dick pic. How is that supposed to turn somebody on?

I think men are obsessed with what they have and cannot fathom the idea of a woman not being obsessed about it too (laughs). I don’t like dishonesty. Just tell me who are. If your picture looks one way and you present yourself another, that is bad. And finally, a lack of confidence and sense of self. A confident man walks in the room and all the females light up. I love a confident man.

6. What makes a great date?

I think good conversation is important. It should be free flowing and not teeth pulling. Ambiance is important too. I want to be romanced. Yes I make my own money, but I want to be wined and dined.

7. One complaint I have heard from women is that when on a date, the average man can’t hold a decent conversation. All he does is talk about himself. Do you find that to be true?

Absolutely, especially men in their 20’s. The conversations have this networking feel to it, like they are constantly boasting about themselves. Women don’t want to hear that, we want you to ask us about ourselves and get to know who we are.  Send us flowers, write a note. It sounds cliché, but we are very easy to please and it has nothing to do with money. It is about being attentive, noticing the little things, and doing things that say “I see you, I appreciate you.”

8. What’s changed for you dating as a woman in her 20’s versus in your 30’s?

When I was in my 20’s it was all about getting attention and immediate gratification. I was not trying to build a life with someone or looking for substance. At 35, I am looking for someone who is solid and can challenge me. But that is so hard to find. So many men are married or coupled up.

9. Do you think men hold all the cards in today’s dating scene?

I think women over time have allowed men to hold all the cards. We gave up our power to be in competition with each other. For example: if I reject a man, then there is always a woman that is willing to do what I won’t do. Until the man wants something different like a real woman, there will always be girls.

10. Do you ever feel like you have to lower your standards because you are lonely?

I have done that. Here is the thing: Everybody wants to be held, to be told that they are beautiful, to feel wanted. But that is us giving up our power and that gets us nowhere. You end up dating someone that is not good for you and I won’t do that again.


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